Monthly Archives: June 2018

A Love Song

Life has been heavy lately.

I don’t have much wisdom to share about dealing with grief and loss. It’s been two months since I lost my friend, and I still sometimes feel at a loss as to how to move forward, or to process that she’s gone. I still wonder daily, “will I always feel sad?” The answer is probably, yes, I will always feel sad when I think of the loss of my dear friend. But, as another friend reminded me, to not feel sad over such a loss would be far worse. Grief and loss are just hard. Plain and simple. The only way I know to move through seasons like this is just one step at a time, one day at a time.

My hydrangea, in honor and memory of Chris. The plant I bought her for her birthday, one week before her accident.

Aside from the season I am currently experiencing, there was one other season in my life fraught with tragedy, loss, and grief. Three of my high school students drowned while on a missions trip. I think I cried every single day for at least a month. And I know that the loss I experienced then, and what I am experiencing now, don’t hold a candle to what some have lost. The tears go on for years, decades.

Our world is broken. And it sucks. Dementia, cancer, drownings, autism, car accidents, heart attacks. They were never part of the plan. It is because I believe that they were never part of the plan that I can continue to draw breath and walk through these seasons of loss. It is because I see a loving God as the lens for my circumstances, and not my circumstances to form a broken view of God, that I can continue to trust and walk forward in faith.

During this season of grief in my life, God has spoken one word over and over to me, and I realized that the word is the same this time as it was last time. And it is this: I love you.

In the midst of long sleepless nights waiting for my friend to take her final breath, I heard it over and over and over again: “the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God. Oh, it chases me down, fights til I’m found, leaves the 99.” As I tossed and turned in the bed, it was there, in. my. face. Seven years ago, I heard it in the words of my students’ favorite song (all were singers and musicians), “Oh, how he loves us so. Oh, how he loves us. How he loves us so.” I could not get this song out of my head. The Holy Spirit was insistent and relentless in his message of love to me, both then and now.

Why in times of loss is God reminding me of his love? The only conclusion that I can draw is that, like any good father, my Heavenly Father is comforting his dear child as she cries. When my children are afraid, or sad, or hurting, I often reassure them of my love. And when they have to go through scary things like shots or doctor appointments, I tell them that it’s ok, it’s for their good, even though it hurts for a bit. It’s because they know I love them that they can trust me and walk it out. Because I know my Father loves me, I know he’s working for good and for his glory. In my loss and hurt, he just wants me to know, “I love you.”

As I processed the similarities in these two seasons of grief, I was reminded of Zephaniah 3:17 where the prophet writes, “he will rejoice over you with singing; he will quiet you with his love.” I have felt his insistent love song in these seasons of sadness. My Father is there, singing over me, quieting me with his love.

If you are grieving today, friend, I pray that you will feel his love singing over you and quieting your soul as well. I pray that you will receive his love song, and that it will carry you through your loss. I pray that his loving presence will be all around you, through the sleepless nights, through the long sad days. And I pray that you and I both can keep heaven in our view, remembering that all our losses are temporary, and one day, all will be set right.

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Sophie’s Story: Closing the Preschool Chapter

The end of the school year always brings cause for reflection for me. This year I feel especially reflective because Sophie’s preschool chapter is coming to a close. I’m not just reflecting on this past year, but on three years in this great program.

Sophie was privileged this year to be with the same teacher whom she had her first year in preschool when she was three and still non-verbal. It is always an eye-opener for me when people who haven’t interacted with Sophie for a long time get to interact with her again. They are blown out of the water by the amount that she has changed and the progress she has made. This was especially important for me this year as we received her educational identification of autism. Mrs. Bausum has been constant in reminding me of how much Sophie has grown. And she reminds me that this is an indicator of how far she will continue to grow.

Besides being a wonderful support for me, Mrs. Bausum has been a phenomenal teacher for Sophie. She LOVES her preschoolers like her own children. She supports them and challenges them. She is endlessly patient and kind, even in the midst of meltdowns and challenging behaviors. She’s one of those teachers who you know has forever changed your lives. We are so grateful to her for all she has done for us. She also had a fabulous team who helped her and loved Sophie well: Miss Mills, Mrs. Westfall, and Miss Changet, along with occasionally Mr. Herzog. And then there’s the whole team of therapists: Mrs. Meyers, Mrs. McClain, Mrs. Hutcheson, and Mr. Dorian. These fabulous people have enriched Sophie’s life and the life of our family by extension. They are skilled and caring.

And what I love the most about all these people is that they’ve never looked at Sophie through the lens of a label. In the few short weeks that we’ve had our label, I’ve already realized the difficulty this brings. Sophie’s new team at her new elementary school sees autism on her reports and immediately expects certain things and sees her in a certain light. While the educator in me understands this to a degree, the parent in me just screams that they would look past that label and see my child. Sophie’s diagnosis was not an obvious one for anyone. No one really saw it except me. Autism can look really different in girls, especially when they are talkative like Sophie. No one on her team even considered it for her, even when I asked about it last fall, because she just doesn’t fit the typical mold. But after evaluation upon evaluation, the results are clear, and so we have the label. My prayer is that as Sophie’s new team begins to work with her, they will be able to look past the label and not just expect Sophie to be a certain way because of her label. I pray that she will receive both the support and the challenge that she needs to continue growing and achieving.

Many people have asked me what’s next for Sophie. The short answer is: KINDERGARTEN! Sophie is SO EXCITED for kindergarten. We toured her new school just before school concluded in May. She bounced around from room to room with the assistant principal and me, looking at the art room, the music room, the kindergarten rooms, the lunch room, and several therapy rooms. She was full of questions and excitement! She will be going to her home elementary school, which is just a block and a half from our home.

On the medical front, Sophie has just seen her developmental pediatrician. Given everything that the school did to evaluate her, he was comfortable offering us the medical diagnosis of Autism. He was also quick to point out that her diagnosis was not an obvious one, but that it is good she has this in place entering kindergarten, because it will open more doors for support for Sophie. It also finally gives us an answer for what has been causing every single one of the problems she’s had, from anxiety and sensory issues, to her muscle tone and speech delay.

In this moment, as I edit this text I wrote two weeks ago, I’m honestly pretty angry about life. I know in my head that I’m crazy blessed in so many ways. There are many folks out there who have it way worse. But I just need to say that I’m not happy my child is diagnosed with autism. I’m not happy that I lost a good friend and key support person in my life immediately after saying “yes” to God’s call into ministry. (If you’re not a consistent reader of the blog, my neighbor and friend passed away in April, my kids’ “granny.”) I’m pretty angry about all of that. Life since March has basically been overwhelming. And when I wrote this two weeks ago, I was in a little bit better place than I am now. So, I’m reading these last few paragraphs I wrote below and trying to take them to heart today, in the middle of the anger, the grief, the sadness. I think it’s ok to be angry that this world is broken. I think it’s ok to be mad that death happens. To rage, “this isn’t how it’s supposed to be.” Because, in all honesty, this ISN’T the way it was supposed to be. Our world is marred with brokenness. And the pain that I’m feeling was never a part of God’s plan. But he is there in the pain. And he can handle the anger. It’s not a place to remain, but sometimes it is a season in the journey. And I know that a little rage won’t scare him off. Just like when my kids rage at me about something that’s rocked their little worlds. I can handle it. I’m big enough. But right now, I’m the kid, and my world is rocked, but I know my Father can handle it.

So… I’m coming back to where I was two weeks ago… and I’m going to try to listen to myself. I’m honestly not there today, but I’m trying to turn that arrow….

My word for the year has been “Do what’s in front of you” with the image of an arrow directing my path. So in spite of all the upheaval in my personal life, I’m trying to keep myself pointed in the right direction, and I’m going to keep doing what’s in front of me.

Life has been hard this spring, and often overwhelming. But when I feel overwhelmed by any one of many emotions in many difficult situations, I have to remind myself that I can make it through today, I can be ok with today. And that’s got to be enough. God’s grace for tomorrow will meet me in tomorrow.

“Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or to the left; keep your foot from evil.” Proverbs 4:25-27

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